Reflection # 8: My Sin-Sation

 

Hard. Rock. Steady…. Rock. 

The temptation taunted me. I’m paralyzed with passion…for you.

The idea of you. Can’t you see I’m trying to keep you? These sheets hide the truths of what is real but my fantasy of you, of us, of what we can be in this moment are all I can see…

Dang… Love and sex. I’m not the first to say it but I will say it again, SEX AND LOVE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!

In this moment, we are one…

A moment? Unfortunately we fail to see that this lovely prose too often has more literal connotations than we want to believe. Sex without the bond of mutual love, mutual desire, mutual understanding is exactly what the words say, JUST FOR THE MOMENT… But we’re in love! I know he loves me! But were “we” on the same page at that point in time? Do “we” want the same things out of this relationship right here and right now? That’s a hard conversation to have with yourself. Dang… that little girl inside that puts hands over ears and says, “Wawawahhh!!! I don’t wanna hear it!” (because that’s what children do). But! In my heart of hearts, I didn’t really need to ask myself those deep questions, the answers were right in front of me and SEX WAS NOT THE CURE…

Can we just hold onto this moment?

With every bead of sweat my body is making unconscious promises to you. Every jolting movement I swear a lifetime with you, my loyalty, my confidence in what we can be. Just read me. Feel me. Know that I am yours… The writer in me wants to continue philosophically and poetically but I can’t right now. As my big brother would say, REAL TALK… TOO MUCH OF THE LOVE STORY IS IN OUR HEADS. We close our eyes to the reality of the loving, healthy relationship that is missing (that we deserve!) and we find justification and validation in his arms-in bed-just for the moment… You are worth more than a moment and if the truth be told, so is he…

That Girl Done Watched One Lifetime Movie Too Many

I imagine that’s what the elders would say… Philosophically speaking; SOBRIETY AFTER THE LOVIN’ AINT NO SWEET LOVE HANGOVER… Poetically speaking; Beyond this bed, the purple haze clears, reality clocks in, my fantasy now stripped-dignity wounded, falling from the strongest high I am left grounded in the truth… IF EXPERIENCE IS A GOOD TEACHER, THEN PAIN IS THE MASTER SENSEI OF LIFE! This pseudo love has given me false hope. My hope for him to be the man that I fantasized about in those God forsaken sheets. God??? True love waits, lust and desperation does not. I believe that sex is misunderstood like the Kama Sutra itself. Oh yes! PILLOW TAWKIN! Did somebody say Ka-ma Su-traaa!!! The consummate feel-good ancient sex manual with all the copulation and positions and juicy stuff! Yep! But! In reality the ancient Kama Sutra is a guide to the nature of love, family life, virtuous and gracious living (Wikipedia). I believe that sex and lovemaking works the same way. Know that sex can be deceptive but in reality it cannot hold or control love, it never did…

Honesty…

Even when I was not strong enough to resist the temptation, my ex was. He had established such a strong sense of respect for me after our relationship that he could not participate in my fantasy. I was always told that a man holds himself accountable and can control his actions. Even with lust pulling at his zipper, a grown man will take a stand. He fights for her morals and virtue, the virtue he had fallen in love with…

I HAD A FIGHTER…
…And I respect that. Real men have feelings, emotions and a conscience. When boys become men, boyish behavior gets old. Men take responsibility for their actions MEN SAY “NO” TOO… Period.

Your temple…

As women we sometimes over estimate, overcompensate, and exaggerate. There are so many times I have heard young, beautiful women say, “I can have sex with no strings attached. I’m just as much a dude in the head as he is…” Hmmm…You are always attached to “you” and “you” have to eventually look in that mirror. Have you looked lately?
Why must you tell these lies?

Down to the anatomy of sex we are incapable of sharing a senseless passion. Think about the act of intercourse, we are receivers. Like it or not this has been our metaphor for life. He brings forth food, she makes a meal. He builds a house, she makes it a home. Men deposit his seed, we produce children. I know there are so many exceptions to this rule (I know, I know Miss “Ne-Yo” Independent. I know the lyrics too). We are women, we are unique creatures built on the foundation of fire and desire. We are emotional. Know that the ultimate interior deterioration comes with letting an unearned love into your temple. What are you getting in return but a moment of a fantasy?

Let the high go…

It is like being stuck on an Ole Love Song… The words entrall you, “woo, woo, woo” you-mainly tell you exactly what you want to hear. We all know that there is a love song to justify any mindset, persuasion and behavior. “I DON’T SEE NOTHIN WRONG WITH A LITTLE BUMP-N-GRIND” Sorry Mr. Kelly, but I don’t see it that way. Sometimes ITS ALL WRONG… With every thrust of your one time lover you fall deeper into the fantasy leaving your morals, your heart and body empty… No woman wants to be a receptacle of deposits that are of little value and no returns. Sex is euphoric, it feels good! Sex however is not a seatbelt, it cannot be a clutch because it can’t hold anyone or anything. Put on some brakes, LET GO OF THE HIGH so you won’t crash and burn…

My Heart to Yours…

Protect Your Loving Heart, and Nurture Your Soul, that can be orgasmic. This conversation is not over…

~Chloe~

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