Reflection #11: Avoiding the Lonely Hour

http://jaleesalashay.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/7192766626_0711b4248c_z.jpg

I never knew the power of silence. The power of taking one moment, just a second to be in touch with my emotions. What did Chloe’ really feel?

My own tears scared me. Letting go of the control grip I had over myself was a great fear of mine. This iron fist in the lace glove was not ready to feel…

The only feeling I really understood was loving someone else, being a giver, being a nurturer. The concept of directing that love to myself was inconceivable, even incomprehensible. Why was the concept that theoretically made so much sense a foreign thing for me?

Something like a cup that was full of the purest oil, I anointed someone else with my love, hard work and care and never understood. How did I end up so empty?  I thought love was an exchange. The loneliness stifled me. Daily I lived with this yearning for someone to simply refuel me. This I desired much more than love from myself.

Love is powerful. Love is vulnerable. The absence of loving can make us afraid to be alone.  So we do things…

I once found myself in a relationship with someone I said I loved. I assumed-perhaps romanticized that the countless hours I spent with him equaled endless love. I made everyone (including “Me and He”) think I truly was in love and that “we” were inseparable. I lied to myself and although my intentions were earnest, in reality it was a show. Believing that the more I pretended to feel this passion, the more the love would actually come about. This was a pseudo-science I made up in my mind.

MANY OF US HAVE FALLEN INTO THIS TRAP CALLED THE REBOUND SYNDROME.

My Auntie has this cute T-shirt that reads, “You Look Guilty. “ The power of my silence spoke very loudly too me. I’m SHAKING MY HEAD knowing that in reality, selfishness is the essence of rebound relationships. I too have played the rebound game and in each case someone ended up getting hurt. It was such a painful cycle and I promised myself to never be a part of that LOSE-LOSE scenario again.

I was so thirsty for the physical touch and the emotional reassurance of a guy that I hurt someone I cared for. Yes ladies, we hurt men too.  WE RUSH TO REPLACE BECAUSE THERE IS A SILENCE THAT WE CANNOT FACE. Isn’t it amazing how we in our distress can articulate every wrong deed that was done to us?  We remember each detail. We were victims. “…and he did this to me!!! I can’t believe he would be so low, so dirty, so grimy, soooo…”  LADIES, I KNOW SOME OF THE STUFF HE DID WAS MESSED UP BUT SOME OF THE STUFF WE DO ON THE REBOUND IS FOUL TOO.  

You must learn to take responsibility for your actions and decisions. This is the most important part of your healing. Metaphorically speaking, use a mirror for greater good than putting on COVERGIRL. So, how can we stop this cycle of temporary relationships that leave us emptier than before? Consider redirecting that energy. I don’t offer a cure but a process of healing.  Safe Haven, come walk and talk with me…

Can I tell you how I fell in love with myself?

Honey I fell in love with my caramel latte skin, high cheek bones that I thank my ancestors for, my dark Egyptian features that no henna ink could mock, my curly frizzy hair that I bare naturally, my long legs reminding myself of a strong stallion, my smile that somehow makes my eyes dance, my perfect impersonation of Andre’ 3000, the joy of my corny jokes, my snorting laughter, my piercing stare, my crazy dancing that my mom says looks like I’m at Woodstock and I respond, “What’s Woodstock?” All of the makings of Miss Chloé I had never noticed.

It was almost like looking in the mirror for the first time. Like a baby discovering her voice. I found the beautiful Chloé that may intimidate others because I know who I am. Yes. I am a force to be reckoned with. I know it might sound cocky but I declare this for you baby girl as I speak of myself.

It takes time. I must reiterate that it is a process. I took time with myself. Don’t run from the bittersweet truths that your silence whispers or shouts. The same way I took time to learn his ways – studying him like he was a major, I took even longer with myself. I rediscovered my love for art in all forms…from Broadway to watercolor paintings, from scrapbooking to dancing at every music festival I could possibly get to. 

I SET MYSELF FREE AND I STILL KEEP AN EYE OPEN FOR ANY LITTLE VINES THAT MIGHT COIL THEMSELVES AROUND MY LIMBS TO ENTANGLE ME AGAIN.  The Chloé I had lost and prayed to find eventually appeared in the mirror glaring back at me saying, “Finally my love, you have come back. Let’s make up for lost times!”

I BELIEVE SILENCE IS GOLDEN BECAUSE IT USHERS IN THE WISDOM OF THE AGES…

Know thyself!  You cannot enter a relationship without knowing the value of yourself. How can we state what we want out of a man if we don’t even know what we have within ourselves?  How can we truly love another or expect love from another when we don’t love ourselves?

Try loving yourself a little more today (and tonight). “Turning up” every weekend may give you a one-night stand with the man of your dreams (or not quite) but will it bring you the lifetime of happiness that you desire?

Take this time to focus on you my love, just do it…

I am right here with you. I am doing the same EXACT thing. This is not just for the life I want as a wife and mother, THIS IS PREPARATION FOR ME TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE AS A WOMAN ON THIS EARTH.  MY FOOTPRINT…

So even in this lonely hour, write a plan for yourself. YOU MIGHT FIND THAT THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANYBODY ELSE. Who do you want to be? What do you want to discover in yourself over the next couple of months? Fall in love with her, pray for her, claim her, take all that energy you put into that man and put into your own life.  I must admit that I learned this the hard way but I did eventually get it, my cup runneth over…

As a little girl my mother always called me her PRINCESS CHLOE’-LOVE and still does to this day.  This title always made me feel special. Today I share my mother’s blessing with you. You are royalty, it doesn’t matter how you’re feeling.  I’m bestowing upon you this title… PRINCESS (YOUR NAME)-LOVE.  Are you ready for your blessing? This is your time of restoration, (not a time to be thirsty and drink from anybody’s cup!) Curtis Mayfield (Who is that? Ask your mama!) Curtis Mayfield said it so beautifully in his song:

The love of all mankind should reflect some sign

Of these words I’m trying to recite

They’re close, but not quite

Almost impossible to do

Reciting the makings of you…

I am praying for you. I love you and I am thinking about you. 

~Chloe~




There are no comments

Add yours