#FindingMeBeforeHe – Devil In a New Dress

Welcome to Bad Bitch Central (sometimes we take it there…)

Here we do not feel, we do not care and we take no prisoners. We are fearless and merciless. With the beauty of a Siren and the mentality of a cold assassin, we embody the takers and yes baby, we take it all.

I remember watching “We Own the Night” with him and out walks Eva Mendes with a slow, seductive strut wearing the most sensual lingerie, smoking a cigarette as she moved down the hallway…a true boss. I felt insecurity lingering at my neck watching her move effortlessly and within seconds he turns to me and says, “One day, you’ll do that for me.” That’s when it hit me. That was when I got the confirmation that his kryptonite was a bad bitch.

He wanted a girl he could smoke with, drink with, talk dirty to, party with and be his Bonnie in all criminal acts. The good girl I was, but now she, this other woman, his fantasy, the baddest bitch, was who I wanted to be.

Every single time I caught him “slippin” it was always with a girl I was nothing like. I could not understand what he wanted with them and why he still kept me. It felt like a trap (retrospect tells me that I had the key and I had locked myself in). I allowed so much confusion to enter my spirit in the name of love.

So after our relationship came to an end, I had my very short but distinct phase where I became the girl he yearned for. Funny, I didn’t even think this was a result of him, to me it was a “Just Because” Hmmm… DON’T FOOL YOURSELF LADIES, RELATIONSHIPS CAN CONTORT OUR THINKING, TWIST OUR CHARACTER AND PERVERT OUR ACTIONS…EVEN AFTER THE FACT. Say it’s crazy if you want to; share your mind and body with confusion, you will share your spirit too.

The Devil in a New Dress…

For a while it felt good to be in control. A boss. I was able to pretend to care for a guy, control my emotions and always keep the ball in my court. I needed nothing from them and made them feel unable to satisfy me so they always wanted more. A man’s pride is everything. When you take that…you have gained control.

So I put on a mask. I was cool, calculating and calm with clothes molded on me like melted wax. My body was covered, sort of, giving them just enough to want and need more of me… I WAS THE DRUG, THEY WERE MY ADDICTS… The concept of “You Need Me” was thrilling. After all, dudes do this all the time right? This mask gave me A POWER SURGE and brought me the attention I needed and the revenge I sought. I worked it so well. The role-play was Oscar worthy. I did a checkmate on every weak link, notion and emotion. I used every strategic form of mortal combat (very unspiritual) against their mindset because that’s what bad bitches do! I went tit for tat with them until I won. But in the end, I ultimately lost… I lost me. The emptiness… That mirror… Bad Bitch Central had to officially come to a close. I am so grateful for those seeds of knowing right from wrong that were firmly planted within. Real simple. I JUST CAN’T… DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE.

911: I want to report a missing soul. Her name is Chloe. She is a child of God. You will see her light even when it is a little dim. Let me know when you find her. Let me know when she resurfaces. Let her know I love her so much and that I miss her. I AM calling her back to me. I AM her first love.

NEVER AGAIN… I promised myself. I am better than that. My sister we are built to love. We are created to feel our passion and to NO LONGER TO FEEL NUMB.

Know when to say when… Know when the essence of your divinity is deteriorating. Know when your soul is starving. Know when to rescue yourself before it is too late. Speak to thine own self! I did! I hollered out loud, “Do not let yourself fall Chloe please! Somebody needs to hear your story! YOUR HEALING LIES IN HELPING OTHERS! You need to hear their story too!!! You have a purpose! Fulfill it! Live it! Be it! FACE THOSE FEARS, FACE THOSE TEARS! FACE THOSE CHALLENGES! BE VULNERABLE AND ALLOW LOVE TO SAVE YOU!”

With tears streaming down my face I write to you. My very own sacrifice of transparency… I encourage you to PLEASE LET THAT FIRST LOVE, THAT GENTLE LOVE THAT NEEDS NOTHING BUT YOUR SURRENDER, THE SWEETEST LOVE OF ALL HOLD YOU AND KEEP YOU… It seems easier to be cold. It may seem like they, the baddest have it all together. That life seems so much more glamorous but you are a woman who is designed to soar!

When I was a little girl my mother bought me a book by Evangeline Nicholas entitled, “There’s Magic in Me.” (Positively Me!) She actually had the book signed by the author because the drawing of the little girl on the cover looked just like me! (I still have the book to this day). Well I still love the little cute girl on the cover, but its message of loving and believing in oneself will forever be my legacy…

The magic is in you! We are the chosen ones. Do not be a barren soul. The only “I don’t care” within you should be towards that desert, that mess, which hurt that you left behind. Never let anyone have that power over you. This, my love, is a work in progress for us all but I believe in you. BE THE BETTER WOMAN, (WIT YO BAAAD SELF!)

Please do not ever become the person who hurt you. Be the one you love…

As always, I love you and I’m praying for you. Cheers to a new year, and a new you…


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