#FindingMeBeforeHe – The Funeral

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Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.

– Jennifer Boyer

To date, I have never experienced a death that was personal. I never felt that emptiness of a loved one leaving me. I never fully understood heartache until..

Although I got delivered and healed from the pain of my past, I can revisit it today. Just for today, I feel the need to speak to somebody’s heart.

“Rest in Peace to the beautiful love I once knew. I mourned the death of what my relationship was and could have been. It is gone but I must live.” 

I sat motionless and emotionless for days. Unconcerned with society, my health or what the future could be for just Chloe, because I could not fathom a life without him.  I just was so used to his presence, our activities, the “us.”  What was I?  Who am I? Do I really have a definition… alone?

Many mourners go through stages and I felt every single one of them:

1. ShockCould this really be life? No! We will be back together again, right? This is just a temporary thing that we’re going through.

2. AngerYou did this to me? Oh no not today Satan! Not me! Not the one who has been riding for you since Day 1! Oh you want a break now? Sure I’ll break! I’ll break you off a piece of this hurt and you know exactly what you can do with it boy! Wait…you want me to wait? FOH

3. DepressionI can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I am physically sore. I am unable to feel. I am afraid to feel again. Darkness has become my blanket of comfort. Get out of my face everybody! I don’t want to talk!  Please everyone just let me be.

4. LonelinessAll alone with everybody in my face! We all know this feeling way too well and it leads to the rebound…the rebound that I caught way too many times. And in these lonely hours, we do things.  

My heart all dressed in black, petals of this flower washing away… 

In every stage of my mourning I neglected me. I left my soul in a constant state of starvation, so what did I do? I went on my journey to find me. The beautiful bruised but not broken Chloe that silently waited for me. The beautiful ghost of my future.  THE BEAUTIFUL ME BEFORE THERE EVER WAS A HE

These four stages of mourning were needed. I had to understand hurt in order to really understand love. My mourning showed me what to do in my next relationship. My mourning showed me how to love myself in the absence of him. My mourning gave me a chance to redefine myself, to become fierce; yet, remain gentle at the same time. I didn’t know it then, but my mourning brought forth enlightenment so that I could be a blessing to others.

So as I slowly and methodically close this symbolic casket to all of the hurt, lonely hours, lies, cheating, bitterness, insecurities, bruises and heartaches, I was left with one question.

Who in the hell is Chloe?  

Know that somebody is walking down that aisle with you to close that casket and seal it shut. Sister, I don’t know of any reopening of caskets (unless it’s a crime scene. hmmm). With all of that said, I am left with one crucially important question…

Who are you now? Think about it. 

~Chloe




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