Cowherd’s Corner: #RelationshipGoals

Hope everyone had a wonderful New Year holiday! I am going to start off this 2015 Cowherd’s Corner discussing the popular hashtag #relationship goals. I understand identifying and admiring someone else’s relationship, but having relationship goals like the Huxtable’s or even the Carter’s is unrealistic.

First off The Huxtable’s was a relationship on a television show, so your “relationship” goal is based off of a television script. Second, fuck around and find out that your husband is accused of something terrible, then how you gone act. As it pertains to the Carter’s, it may be “love” now, but best believe it started out as business.

As a very active Twitter user, I too have retweeted some relationship goal mentions, such as playing video games with my girl. But to see some of the most non-go getting folks retweet luxury vehicles as relationship goals, I just can’t help but to think “how Sway?” To desire what someone else has, and not understand the story or the true sacrifices they had to make is idiotic, and unproductive. There is no sense in having these goals, without a real plan of execution. Even if you have a plan, there is no proof that your plan will equate to that of the relationship goal you are interested in mimicking.

As I’m currently in a new relationship, I know that I just wanted someone to put up with my black ass and let me be me. That was a goal I could actually control, and now we can plan our goals together. To come into something new with a specific preference that stems from a Twitter hashtag, probably won’t play in your favor. Focus on the things you can control and let the rest play its course.

If you are going to have relationship goals, at least base them off of realistic expectations of what you are doing in your day to day life. Wanting and tweeting won’t secure those relationship goals, but action and execution will.

Until next time, keep your finances and emotions in order.

-Cowherd

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Cowherd’s Corner: Privacy

I know that I’ve been gone for some time, but I have shaken off the carpel tunnel and writer’s block to get back to discussing hot topics. This week’s topic, inspired by Professor Annalise Keating (Viola Davis’ character in the hit new ABC show, “How to Get Away with Murder”), is privacy.

Just so that the readers who may not watch the show have a quick synopsis of why Davis’ character has helped shaped this piece, let me provide a brief recap. In the second episode of the first season, it was revealed that Professor Keating’s husband was the teacher of a murder victim. Keating’s suspicion of their relationship ultimately tempts her to search through his phone while he’s in the shower. She finds an email or text that leads her to SUSPECT they may have had a deeper relationship. They address the situation, and he tells her nothing was going on between him and the now dead student.

As a guy, we’re thinking it’s over, it has been addressed, and everything is all good, but no. Not the women. The husband makes her a romantic dinner, and things go smoothly. Or, so he believes. He walks away, and like a crack fiend going through withdrawal, she just couldn’t help but go through his phone again, only to see that the message had been deleted. She lies to get out of the house and away from her husband; he now has to enjoy a dinner alone and is left wondering, classic.

If I could insert an audio piece right here, I would, but all capital letters will have to suffice. STAY OUT OUR PHONES, DAMMIT! If you go looking for some sh*t, you are going to find some sh*t. There is no reason that as a grown a&% woman, you are going through a grown a&% man’s phone without his permission. Your insecurity and lack of trust in him will ultimately be the demise of the relationship, ESPECIALLY if he is being faithful. Y’all have a fire ass imagination, (hence, the success of Shonda Rhimes) and y’all can make a “hey, how are you?” text into a damn number one drama series, starring a wrongfully accused dude to be deemed “not sh*t” for no reason. If a dude is that sloppy and has incriminating evidence in his phone, he did not give a f*&k about you anyway. There is no need to get mad; just get your things and go. There are plenty of dudes that will respect you enough to be more discrete about their infidelities, I promise.

On the flipside, fellas, stop leaving your phone unlocked. The sh*t should be second nature to lock it. This is not even “you doing some foul sh*t” rule, but we are entitled to our own privacy. So, don’t just leave the door open for some bullsh*t to mess up your relationship. Every guy knows women can take the most harmless text and turn it into a mind-blowing headache. A female’s false accusation will have you in your thoughts thinking, “For all this, I should have just cheated. At least, it would be warranted.” 

Technology has made it so hard for mistakes to transform into rebuilding and genuine growth. Nowadays, no one in the relationship can mess up and just be scorned by the person that was hurt and a close network of people that have genuine insight into the relationship; now, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Vine, can get a piece of the action, too.  It isn’t easy to just do right, I know. We all have temptation, and want our cake and it too. Things are constantly changing within a relationship, but, if you work to keep the communication open and genuinely take interest in your partner’s concerns and ideas, you’ll build a true foundation and discover an unmatched happiness.

Until next time, keep your finance and emotions in order.

-Cowherd

Cowherd’s Corner: Choices

A lot of us make decisions for ourselves and ourselves alone. It is easy to go through life and make decisions “just for me, me, me”, but what happens when you make a conscience decision to share your life with another person? The idea is that you start to take into consideration your actions because now, they directly affect another person.

There is this modern notion that if there is no ring on it, then, you are single. As true as that technically is, when dating someone there is still an air of expectancy to conduct yourself in a manner that reflects that you are seriously dating and respecting the individual you are dating. The choices you make do not have to make your life boring and less thrilling, but should show a genuine appreciation for the person who has opted to change their lifestyle to both accommodate and share with you.

Now, changing your lifestyle should not be too drastic because you should have gotten into the relationship seamlessly (you should be laughing here), and the removal of gray area has established exclusivity between the two of you. No matter how much you say, “I will not change because of him or her”, you inevitably will because if you seriously want that person in your life at that capacity, you will do what you need to do to keep them.

We are humans. We are meant to change and adapt. Every day, we make choices, and they slowly shape the person we are and will be in the future. Growth in a relationship does not come from being a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend it comes from making bad choices together, but being perfect at coming together and hashing those things out.

Now, by bad choices, I am not talking about cheating, domestic violence (verbal or physical), or anything else that can cause a drastic reaction from your significant other; more on the lines of hanging out with someone he or she does not like (maybe there is a past history there or just bad vibes), doing a little too much at a club or party, or just putting yourself in situations that may allow someone to think you are single.

I will close by touching on this; the choices that really doom a relationship are the ones that are made out of spite, jealousy, or gossip. It is a lot easier said than done, but doing something that disrespects or shames your significant other for whatever reason you think you can come up with is never the answer. Karma is real, and that bitch has the bite of a great white. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let your nogood, single girlfriends influence your choices ladies, because, let’s face it, misery enjoys company. If she has been dumped by all of her ex’s, she is the common denominator. Gents, that goes for you, too. We can be savage and lead our man’s down that dark path. Let that man handle his, unless you know for sure that as a friend, you need to step in.

Until next time, keep your finances and emotions in order. 

– Cowherd

 

Cowherd’s Corner: Trust

Ernest Hemingway was once quoted saying, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” In the same vein, the late Maya Angelou once uttered the words, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” If you have not picked up where this corner is going, then just trust me and know that it’s going to be a good one.

For those who have been following this column since day one, you may have read the previous sentence and just went with the flow. For those who may be new or have only read this column a few times, there might have been some skepticism on reading further. Nonetheless, I assure you that there is trust in my words.

Trust is the foundation of ALL relationships, and the truth is that it begins with you. Trusting in yourself to love and be vulnerable is a conversation and realization that you must come to by yourself. No one said it better than Lauryn Hill when her voiced blessed our eardrums with the line, “How you gone win when you ain’t right within?” Now. If you’re still not following, pay attention, and read further.

As we move forward in life, meet new people and date, the question, “Can I trust this person?” always lingers. That person may tell you, you may find out on your own, or someone just looking to tear y’all apart may tell you some information (even if it was in the deep past) that deters and tarnishes something extremely special – your trust. When your trust and faith in a person is strong, and your relationship is based on a solid foundation of trust, regardless of adversity, you and your significant other will always come out strong and on top.

Now, let’s begin first with your trust in God or whichever Higher Being you believe in. You have to trust that your God brought this about not to tear you down, but to build you up. God is not one to tear you down without giving you the sense and tools to help build yourself up and out of your own circumstances, BUT you have to take the time to see the full picture.

Second, you must trust the words that your significant other speaks from his or her mouth.  Communication is imperative in keeping a relationship strong and honest, but recognize that the communication must be of truth. Once the truth is spoken, you will know that truth is what you are receiving. Third, trust in yourself and the fact that you have the sense to know when shit is not right.

Unfortunately, trust is a gift that does not keep giving back once tarnished. If someone trusts you, you should hold on to that and cherish it because it is truly precious. In these times, it is extremely difficult to trust with social media, screenshots, and just the overall lack of respect people have for one another. By keeping your guard up, yes, you are protecting yourself, but you’re also guarding yourself from something that can change your entire perspective on life. Trust that.

As I close this corner, if you do not take anything from it, please trust me when I say you are a beautiful being, and your light shines for a reason. Do not keep it bottled up. Let it out, and let love, sorrow, happiness, pain, whatever, let it all in to help build character and a better, stronger you.

Until next time, keep your finances and emotions in order. 

– Cowherd

Cowherd’s Corner: Honest

It seems that everyone has their set of standards, but we need to be honest. Some of you have standards that do not match up with the person you are or the life that you live. Honesty is an element of life that we often expect from others before we take the time to be honest with ourselves. Why is that? Why do we put so much into our expectations of others than ourselves? Some might say it’s just human nature; I say its convenience.

The ease to conveniently blame someone for your shortcomings is something some of us do quite too often. You have to want to be accountable and in control of your own life. You have to be honest about what you’re ready and willing to put back out into the world. If all you have to offer is a bunch of Instagram pictures, Tumblr posts, and Retweetable memes, eh, you’re coming up short. There’s so much in life to give and live for – things that sound like a much more worthy cause than a detailed description of a follower count or a number of likes.

You want a God-fearing man, but you only go to church when your hangover from Saturday isn’t too bad. You want a man that cooks, but you can’t crack an egg without getting the shells in the dish. Dudes want the baddest chicks on Instagram, but are the jealous type. Guys out here running around posing with Hermés belts on, but never touched a tailored suit. Y’all not being honest; they say real recognize real, and for some of you, real is still waiting to be recognized in you fraudulent lames.

Being honest with yourself allows you to clearly see the world as it is given to you and help filter the people that you allow into your life. If you are constantly lying and burying the truth, you are not going to be able to see the snakes in the grass. Honesty within one’s self attracts an honest lifestyle.

Now, this is not to say that I have not had my share of dishonest moments, but I will say that I have learned the hard way and had to change some things around. Being honest with who you are allows the blessing of finding true and honest love, whether platonic or intimate. Keep lying to yourself and setting bullshit standards, and you’re going to be dealing with the same dudes/females that have more social media followers than dollars in their account.

Until next week, keep your finances and emotions in order.

-Cowherd

Cowherd’s Corner: Denial

Guys have a tendency to not accept reality about their situation with a particular female. Making excuses of why they won’t make it official, why she isn’t the right one, along with a host of other things. This sparked my interest in writing an article about in denial. Being in denial is the standard for guys, and is probably stored somewhere in our DNA.

We can definitely have a great thing/relationship going and just deny it like it isn’t happening. But the question is why, why is it so hard to accept a good thing for what it is and let it prosper? I don’t really have the answer, because frankly I’m just as guilty as the next man.

I think it comes down to timing in a guy’s life, his level of maturity, and what he’s looking for from a female. Now, this isn’t all about the guy because it takes two to tango but from what I have experienced in my life and my friends’ the female can become emotionally invested quicker than the guy.

I recognize that this is not always the case but it is the majority of the time. Guys like to be in control and that definitely plays into when we are ready to accept a situation for what it is and not for what she wants it to be. It isn’t that we won’t become emotionally invested, it’s just that more time is needed.

With that being said, some dudes are just dead wrong. If you deny her in front of the homies, but she left something at your crib and your first move when you realized it wasn’t to hit her up and ask when she coming to get it, you’re in denial.

If a female leaves something at a males crib that clearly appears as if it belongs to a female and you could care less, but you’re still telling people that it’s not serious, you are probably in denial. She leaves her toothbrush and you smile a bit knowing that now she has to come back – no need for the denial.

These types of scenarios can also involve a guy who just does not give a fuck, but that’s not who I’m writing this for. Our circle of friends can potentially dictate how open we are about a situation. The homies opinions means so much, without their stamp of approval – making it official is on halt. Did you make a side eye reading those last two sentences? If you found yourself agreeing, you are a weary individual. Being able to have your significant other involved with your friends I feel is important, but damn sure is not the deciding factor. If that is the case for male/female, then you have some self-evaluating to do.

Being in denial can also tie back into being in control. By being in denial, we are controlling our thoughts and how other people view the situation. We are also making an attempt to dictate and control the way a female pursues moving forward with us. It’s a tired game of cat and mouse and somehow that old saying “hind sight is 20/20” never means so much until you end up settling with a female who isn’t a tenth of what you denied previously.

I mean..sometimes it does payoff to be in denial, after you, she ends up having two kids with two different guys and on section 8. On the flip side, you could end up denying a good thing with the wrong person and she ends up being the next Oprah, Laurie Ann Goldman, or even simpler than the money, she was just the right one.

It’s a cold truth to accept when you might be in your prime, but what if you really find a female that matches up? If so, just go with it, you’ll be surprised how she helps you grow and can help you potentially be a better man all-around. Until next week, keep your finances and emotions in order. 

– Cowherd

Cowherd’s Corner: Loyalty

Several things that have occurred in my life whether recently or in my past have encouraged me to write this post entitled “Loyalty.” The truth is that everybody is not loyal, nor does everyone have your best interest at heart. However, the important part is to remain loyal to yourself.

What I have come to realize is that most loyal people either have something to lose if they are disloyal or have everything to gain from it. Let me explain.

Take myself for example. I have a group of friends who are aware that I would do anything for them. In return, they continuously motivate me and keep me grounded whenever I get carried away. Our relationship is truly give and take. However, I’ve realized that some of you all are not as fortunate to have such relationships.

A sense of loyalty is not something that one develops immediately. It takes time, and slowly comes into play as you go through the trenches with someone. The fact is that people carefully select who they will be loyal to whether it is to themselves, their family, their friends, or even inanimate objects.

Loyalty often comes with a price and when the act of disloyalty affords a greater reward that is when the shit can hit the fan. We all know when someone is a disloyal individual, but sometimes we are just blind to the signs. We naturally tend to look for the best in people, and so we find ourselves giving second chances and letting things slide.

If you are someone who tends to do this, is it disloyalty that is an issue or is it your inability to be cut throat and get rid of the toxic person? Unfortunately, it is human nature to want to see the best in people and to believe whatever bullshit they’re pitching to you about their fuck up and how it won’t ever happen again. However, sometimes the situation gets so bad that a second chance shouldn’t be given.

The jig is up Cletus (Cletus sounds like a person always juggin’); it is important to take the necessary steps to protect yourself and the things you love. When a disloyal person comes across your path and infiltrates your circle you must do what must be done. Often, you don’t even have to cut a person off, you just need to be honest with yourself and realize what you can and can’t trust with someone.

While someone can sincerely argue that people are loyal in their own respect and in different circumstances. While nobody is perfect, the truth is that people will be people.

I’d even argue that it is better to cut your losses before you cut a person; however, I do recognize that some people would rather get even then walk away. Fortunately, we have too much life to live than to be worried about getting even and not getting right within. The truest form of loyalty is the loyalty you hold to yourself and your beliefs, ideals, and morals. Once those weaken, finding true loyalty becomes that much more of a distant illusion.

Until next week, keep your finances and emotions in order. 

– Cowherd

 

Cowherd’s Corner: Commitment

Last week, there was a large discussion on Twitter regarding marriage, $1200 dates, and the “tackiness” of twerking in or out of a relationship with opinions varying from north to south per usual. All of that prompted me to think, what does it mean to be committed to our generation?  The answer I came up with was interestingly enough a question – “What do you have?”

It is too often that we view someone on the surface, and without hesitation, a subconscious question of “What do you have?” comes about. How many followers do you have? What kind of car do you have? What kind of swag do you have? Do you have swag? Do you have the “it” factor I’m looking for?

The truth is. Why don’t we stop and ask ourselves, “what can I give?” Can I give myself to this person and still not lose who I am in the process? Can I give my finances and my time to one person and build an empire that the gods would envy? With all the distractions of the world, how are we expected to focus on just one person? I don’t think we are; I think we are supposed to open ourselves up and give all that we can and hope and pray for the best.

It is a lot easier to take and continue to take from someone who has it to give, than it is to give and give. That is the easy way out, and no one can blame you for that. It’s human nature. However, we have to challenge ourselves to be better and know that whatever we have to give, no matter how big or small, it means something, period.

Commitment is extremely hard in today’s day and age where being fake and flexing will get you a lot further with people than honesty and genuine interest. With the odds stacked against you, it makes it easier to put on a façade, particularly for someone who’s on to the next once you’re old news. We all want to be wanted. We are social beings, but at what cost are you willing to be accepted and loved? Only you, my friend, can answer that question.

Here’s what I can give: I can give an overbearing opinion, an honest opinion that is more of a turnoff than it is a quality characteristic. I can give mixed signals at times, and I can give headaches that’ll make you question becoming a lesbian.  My overbearing opinion of your beauty and confidence is something I can give. My honesty that keeps you grounded and focused is what I can give you. The mixed signals are not about my commitment to you but whether I deserve a being as miraculous as you.

Oh……………….and the headaches, well, that just comes with the territory of commitment. I can give you me, a man that is comfortable in his skin and knows that every decision he makes is one he is ready to bear the cross of the consequences. I can give you a man who’s made his fair amount of mistakes, has grown, and is still growing. A man that can commit to this thing called “us” and create something so real, haters cannot help but flock. Now, I ask you, what can you give?

Until next week, beautiful people, keep your finances and emotions in order.  

– Cowherd

Cowherd’s Corner: Wake-Up Call

What are you compensating for? Who the hell do you think you are? You are broke, but social media has you feeling richer than you will ever be. Your twitter followers and Instagram likes got you feeling like the man, huh? You’re not the man; you’re just some empty vessel posing to be more than what you are in an ocean full of filters and hashtags.

They [women] will not love you when the tattoos fade and twitter and/or Instagram becomes a thing of the past. The thought of these hoes loving you is what keeps you going? Oh I see. The fantasy of these women and what they think you are is going to come down blazing and there is not enough water to put it out. It’s all going to be gone over the thirst.

When your followers grow up and this life of cyber glamour and flashiness fades, what will keep you going? These women?  Too many women do not even have control over their own minds anymore; Nicki Minaj, Beyonce, and for the classiest ones Love & Hip-Hop and Real Housewives of Atlanta got them putting life into perspective.

These hoes are cheaper than the lunch special at the Chinese spot but y’all in love and can’t get enough, cut the bs. We hype this simplistic and utterly embarrassing bullshit and for what? The recognition? Please. These women keep up a circus act, bravo. Man listen, life comes and goes as quick as you can create a meme of Drake looking stuck at the Toronto Raptors game. Don’t waste time on someone who’s riding d*** for the dude with the most followers and averaging 112 Instagram likes, her interest is as empty as her skull.

This is wake-up call fellas! Stop reaching for these women who want men that are not even in their own tax bracket, bodies and personality as fake as Miracle Watts, and 132 unread text messages. You are just a number or another free meal playboy, game recognizes game and you my friend better catch a grip before you lose. Want to keep flexing for these women and spending more than you can afford, the sh*t will catch up to you and when it does, she in the next nigga DM’s.

You cannot afford to flex and you do not even have a pot to piss in, because that is not how it works. You want a chick that’s real, 100 percent, and is down for you? Then be real with yourself and your capabilities, it is better to under-reach and over-deliver than to over-reach and under-deliver. These hoes ain’t loyal and if you cannot cut it in their world, you’ll be another ain’t sh*t nigga and that sh*t seems to be contagious the way it’s talked about.

Hope this wake-up call sinks in and y’all go and prosper with women in your league or you rise to the occasion and can cut it for these fake barbies because the sh*t is not cheap and the majority of y’all cash flow isn’t large enough or quick enough. But I digress, until next time, keep your finances and emotions in order.

-Cowherd

Cowherd’s Corner: The “90 Day” Rule

Last week I asked Twitter their thoughts on the “90 Day Rule” and I received different responses including “it’s childish” and “it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.” For those reading this that may be unfamiliar with the 90 day rule; it is when a female withholds sexual relations with a male she’s interested in for this allotted time.

The reasoning is that if a guy respects you and is genuinely interested in you, he will be okay with no sex for 90 days. This rule does nothing, but simply allows a “hoe” to feel as if she’s accomplishing something meaningful. The point is that men will respect a female that’s real about what she wants and what she’s willing to do to get it, without being overbearing or too forward. For example, I know a good friend of mine who had sex with her current boyfriend of multiple years in the first week.

If a female hits a guy with the 90 day rule, 8.5 out of 10 times he is getting his nut from another source.  Hate to break it to you, but you are only providing 80 percent of what he needs, and while he may enjoy it, best believe that 20 percent is getting fulfilled elsewhere.

Honestly, my advice is to not even tell a guy that you are implementing the rule. We as guys are too competitive, all we’ll do is try and get in your pants in less than 90 days, and the guys who cannot cut it will give up. Now, let me say that I do not think that if a guy gives up on you before the 90 days is up that he had savage intentions. I simply think that he just realized he could get some from a female in a less amount of time. However, if he sticks around that’s a solid indicator that he might actually be in it for more.

The rule should not be about if the guy can last 90 days, but more so can a female remain desirable and wanted for 90 days without spreading her legs. There aren’t too many females who can watch sports, drink a brew, do what the guy enjoys and still have quality sex appeal.

Ladies, make the 90 day rule about showing that you are actually sexier because of other things than your looks. If you are doing the 90 day rule to test him, then you have failed. You are putting your worth in someone else’s hands and that is a dangerous thing to do. The rule serves no purpose.

If you would like to respond feel free to tweet or email me. Until next week, keep your finances and emotions in order.  

-Cowherd

(Photo via Chicago Now)